Just the word, mother-in-law,or "Saas" fills virtually every girl's heart with trepidation, anxiousness and self-doubt. This woman has assumed mythological proportions wielding weapons of criticism, tyranny, guilt and coldness. When she visits, you feel like the inspector general has marched into your home. When you live under the same roof, you may feel like you are cohabiting with the enemy Faced with such an (imaginary) adversary which girl wouldn't be scared? However in reality, it doesn't have to be like this. As with every other relationship, what you get out of it is directly linked to how much time and effort you put into nurturing it.

Given the make up of the traditional Asian family, mothers and sons typically share the closest of relationships and when a new woman enters her son's life this can be a time of great sadness, loneliness and uncertainty for a mother.

From her perspective you are a stranger and she is wary, suspicious and on her guard, unsure of your nature and intentions and the amount of distance you will put between her and her beloved son. It's down to you to reassure her that you have come to add to her family unit, not take anyone away, you will thus lay the foundation for transforming the traditional adversary into a friend and well-wisher. All you need is tact, straightforwardness and a healthy dose of compassion and empathy. Put yourself in your mother in law's shoes (after all, you WILL be in her shoes down the line) and bear the following in mind as you start a new life and enter a new family.

Say No To Stereotypes
Leave that worn out script behind at your parent's house that says that the Mother in law is the demon and you are the victim. Don't approach her with presumed apprehension and be on the defensive from day one, else it will become a self enforcing prophecy. True, the mother-in-law is a person who can churn a million emotions in you yet, remember, even mothers-in-law come in all types and characters. To start your relationship on a negative note is to axe it from the beginning.

Look upon your mother in law as a unique individual. First, make an effort to observe and understand her and then learn to deal with it. Don't let hostility be your survival tactic.

Many mother's who themselves have suffered at the hand of their mother in laws, unfortunately preach wrongly to their daughters and advise them "Not to take any crap" from their own mother in laws. Unfortunately hostility only breeds hostility and that kind of approach to your relationship with your mother in law is not a productive one. Start your relationship on a positive note, it will reap rewards.

She's More Scared Than You Are!
Whilst a son's wedding is one of the happiest moments in a mother's life, it is also the time when she realizes, with a certain sense of gloom, that their son now belongs to someone else's. There is another woman in his life, who is obviously going to be the centre of his attention. This is particularly enforced if the son is moving out of the parental home to set up a new house with his wife.

Naturally, your mother in law will have mixed emotions about you. You have usurped her place in her son's life. For your mother in law, your husband's marriage is also a milestone in her life in terms of their aging. Psychologists state that the unspoken emotions around the marriage of a child can make women very vulnerable and hence on the defensive, even without provocation. This is perhaps the reason why many mothers-in-law don't allow their daughters-in-law inside the kitchen for a very long time. Because they don't want to lose control.

Speak to your mother-in-law about her fears, reassure her that you are a part of her family and not there to take their son away. Next, let your mother-in-law know that she occupies the primary spot in her son's heart and always will - after all she is his mother.Trust takes time, it won't come automatically, you have to bridge the distance yourself and make yourself likable.

Don't Attempt To Change Yourself
By trying to be perfect or someone that you aren't is a pressure on your mother in law as well as yourself. She herself probably isn't perfect and in all probability will appreciate that you are no superwoman. That way, she can drop her guard too and be herself. This is the best way for people to become closer to each other.

For your part, your objective should be trying to reassure your mother in law and being compassionate towards her, building bridges to nurture a positive and loving relationship but you should not try and change yourself. As long as your intentions are good your mother in law should learn to accept you for who you are - not who she wants you to be.

Say No To Ego!
A lot of mother in-law troubles stem from one-upmanship and ego. Right from your husband, the bone of contention, to the sofa covers, it sometimes results in "this is mine and not yours". You may be made to feel like a trespasser in the house initially, but give it some months and endear yourself to Saasuji before deciding to change the colours of the curtains or redoing the drawing room.

If you try and show that you're the boss right from the day after the wedding, your mother-in-law will surely resent it. Resist the temptation to treat your her like a rival and when disagreements do crop up make sure ego doesn't stand in the way of common sense.

You May Not Be Their Dream Girl
A lot of acrimony arises because your husband's mother may have had another image in mind for her son's wife and you don't fit in at all. With arranged marriages on the decline, this can often be the case. It is also quite possible that your mother in law finds you ambitious and less "homely" than she dreamt you to be.

If this is the case, sit down with her and tell her how important your career is and that she hurts you if she preaches to you about the joys of homemaking and the dangers of long hours. Share the details of your work with her and make her a part of your life in every way instead of being secretive. Furthermore try and find out what her idea of a dream bahu was and see if you can make some compromises to inculcate some of those qualities, at least some of the time.

Break The Pattern Of Criticism
Break the pattern of criticism - When your mother-in-law criticizes you, listen calmly for a few minutes then distract her by changing the topic, pulling out some photos of the children, new make-up or a magazine about a subject she's interested in like gardening, golf or shopping. Affirm your mother-in-law. Compliment the qualities you want to reinforce. Wouldn't you do this with your child or pet? You don't want to comment on bad behaviour and create the self-fulfilling prophecy.

Get To Know Her As A Friend!
Schedule one-on-one time around her interests to do something fun together: a day at the spa, lunch and shopping, catch the latest Bollywood flick together. Bring home a funny movie and watch it together. Laughter is a great binder, Share good old-fashioned gossip about eccentric relatives, the great aunt who drinks tea only in a steel glass, the nephew who is accident prone. Get to know her on a personal level and bond. Ask about her dreams, her career and her past. Knowledge is power!

Be patient and lower your expectations. Don't envision an immediate transformation or a Kodak moment of love.One step at a time. Sudden love rarely binds the two most important women in a man's life. But you can slowly evolve into good friends and well-wishers." At least give it a chance!